Atta Boy
I’m twenty-two, single, childless, and not currently intending to have children. You’ll therefore be pleased to know that I’d like to take this opportunity to talk about the finer points of parenting. Which, frankly, takes a bit of courage for me because I hate expressing opinions on things I have no personal experience with. It’s a bit like jumping up and down on a well-aged rope bridge to prove it’s secure; risky, to say the least. Yet here we are, all the same. Me with my opinions, you girding up to read them. So please, know that I’m uncomfortable, and read on with the understanding that I am aware of my experiential ignorance.
Here we go.
I think all people go through three basic phases regarding how they relate to their parents. The first is that they perceive Mom and Dad as infallible, all-knowing deities. This generally lasts in some form until adolescence, when self-knowledge really kicks in and perspectives begin to widen. There comes a suspicion that not only are your parents sometimes wrong, but maybe often wrong. Maybe your parents aren’t really that much more sure than you are about what to do or think or be. Maybe they aren’t fixtures of reality. Maybe they’re just real. Maybe they’re vulnerable. That, I believe, is where much of adolescent anger comes from. You get to the threshold of adulthood and realize that it’s a scam, and your parents are the ones who sold it to you (or so you believe.) There’s a lot of fighting, miscommunication, and blame in this stage. Nobody likes it very much.
The third stage is empathy. You get into adulthood, look around, and realize that it’s hard. You start to imagine yourself in your parents’ place, and you realize how easy it is to make mistakes. You understand, and hopefully you start to forgive.
That’s the conversation I generally have with my peers.
“I know my parents did this, or said that, or continue to treat me this way but…”
There’s understanding, forgiveness, and humility. But, frankly, there’s also accommodation. And, frankly, there’s a point where accommodation becomes enabling. It’s rolling over in the face of sin instead of rebuking, which is not Christlike or loving at all. And it’s running rampant in the Church.
Why?
Well the simple, observable fact of the matter is that the Church is full of bad parenting. Shocking, right? Christians are bad at stuff! Oh no! What a crushing realization. But just because it's inevitable doesn't mean that we shouldn't acknowledge our shortcomings and work towards improvement. The Church is full of bad parenting, and we need to talk about it.
So let's talk. When I say "bad parenting", I don’t mean in terms of where you do or don’t let your kids go, or whom you do or don’t let your kids spend time with, or what you do or don’t let your kids watch/read/listen to. Those are details, and in my opinion as a person who was parented and who knows many people who were also parented, those things aren’t really that serious. It all washes out in the end, if you get the important stuff right.
But people aren’t getting it right. And I see the scars of that everywhere I look. So many of my friends share with me that they left the church and are no longer open to Christianity because of their experience with Christ-claiming parents, and it absolutely breaks my heart. So many eternal souls with their backs turned to salvation, and for what? Why is this happening?
I think it stems from a broken, yet widely held, perspective of what parenting is. So where does that come from? Let’s look at what scripture says:
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise— ‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’”
Ephesians 6:1-3
I’m willing to bet that most of you reading, especially if you grew up in the evangelical Christian subculture, could recite those verses in your sleep. Many of you could probably sing it to some child-friendly tune or other. I know I can. This bit of scripture is massively popular with young parents trying to “train up” (read: wrangle) their children, and it’s easy to see why. It’s a conversation ender. Sort of a cosmic Because-I-Said-So. And, personally, I think that perspective is vastly missing out on the point of the passage as a whole. You see, there’s a second half to this thought. Paul also has something to say about the other side of the equation.
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
Ephesians 6:4
Okay, now we’re really starting to get somewhere. Children, obey your parents. Parents, show grace with your children. The Message translation puts it as not “coming down hard,” while the King James says not to “provoke [them] to wrath.” No matter how you look at it, the meaning is clear. Paul is saying that it's the parents’ responsibility to be mindful of how they treat their kids. He’s reminding adults of what we so easily forget; kids are just kids. Yes, they need to be trained and instructed, but they also need to be treated with generosity and patience. If you leave the grace out, you end up with a frustrated, exasperated generation.
And the Church has deeply exasperated its children. It’s not just in the interpersonal familial and generational conflicts, although to be sure those do plenty of damage. It’s in the wide statements, the generational blame and disparagement. Truly, take a moment. Think about the way you generally speak about your children’s generation. Is it encouraging? Is it hopeful? Does it exhort, or does it dismiss? Trust me, your kids are internalizing the way you perceive their peers.
And that’s what brings us to what I really want to talk about with you.
“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”
Colossians 3:21
Very nearly the exact same language as the letter to the Ephesians, but I think this phrasing strikes a little closer to the heart of the matter. The Church is discouraging its children. I cannot even begin to recount how many conversations I’ve had with brokenhearted friends who just did not know how to please their Believing parents. I certainly cannot recount how many people I am acquainted with who are, at their core, defined by striving against the certainty that they are a disappointment.
Again, please take a moment. Have courage, and be as honest as you can.
Do your children feel that they have your approval?
There are so many gifts that you can give your kids: a good education, time management skills, artistic and/or athletic training, knowledge of scripture, a Christ-centered community, the list goes on more or less forever. But I truly believe that there is nothing more vital that you can give your child than the certainty that you approve of them. It’s the one thing they can’t do without, that doesn’t wash out in the end with their personal choices and tendencies.
This is not to say that you should not hold your children to a standard. Hebrews 12 makes it perfectly clear that discipline is a good and loving thing. God “disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness.” (v. 10) You should absolutely want your child’s good more than you want them to feel good. You should absolutely tell them when they are outside of the instruction of the Lord. You should absolutely raise your children to respect and honor you as their spiritual authority. We are not talking about “soft” parenting here.
What we are talking about is a posturing of the heart. Giving your child your approval pretty much always means laying some idols down: Pride, control, your own rightness, and, let’s be very, very honest, power. Whether it's the school they should have gone to, the tattoo they shouldn't have gotten, the job they should have had, the politician they shouldn't support, the person they shouldn't have married, or simply the preferred way they should express love and respect for you. Whatever it is that’s catching in your chest as you think about unconditionally approving of your child, and doing so in such a way that they are entirely secure in it, is the thing you need to let go of.
Giving your child your approval means being gentle when you rebuke. It means being intentional about communicating that they are loved, accepted, and wanted. It means always, always, always rooting yourself in humility. It might very well mean an apology. More than anything, it means demonstrating the character of Christ.
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”
Romans 15:7
When Paul talks in Ephesians 6 about “the training and instruction of the Lord,” he’s not just referring to religious principles and behavioral standards. He’s talking about raising your child in such a way that they understand who God is and how He relates to them. You need to give your children your approval because it is the very best way for them to grasp that, under the New Covenant, they have God’s approval. You need to pursue your children's hearts with the kind of deliberation and self-sacrifice that God has promised to them. You, tall Christian, were made to help your entrusted little Christians reach the higher shelves of faith. Dads especially, you have a sacred duty to your child. God is referred to as “Father” over 200 times in the Bible. For better or for worse, your son or daughter is looking to you to demonstrate what that means.
Let’s take a step back for a moment. I recognize that this discussion is based on multiple assumptions, as I am speaking to a very specific audience. There’s one caveat in particular that I want to briefly acknowledge: In order to be able to do any of this effectively, you have to be firmly secure in your own identity in Christ. Gentleness, love, humility, and acceptance all must come out of the overflow of what you have received from the Lord. So, again. Take a moment, and have courage.
Do you know that you are loved and approved of?
If not, this essay is still for you. The greatest gift you could give your child is also the greatest gift that you can accept, yourself. As a believer in Jesus, you are absolutely, positively, 100% approved of by God. It doesn’t matter who you have damaged or disappointed. It doesn’t matter what you could have done better. Jesus’ righteousness has been counted to you, and that’s the end of it.
Regardless of where you are in your walk with Christ and your family, I want to challenge you. Just a few small challenges, and then I’ll finally hop off of this high horse and be on my way:
- Take the time this week to tell your children that they are loved and accepted, even if you think they know it.
- Be brave, and ask if there are any ways you can increase their confidence in that fact.
- Ask the Lord to deepen your understanding of His love and approval of you, even if you think you’ve got a good handle on it. There is always more.
Thank you for your time, I sincerely hope that this has been encouraging.
“May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you. May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.”
1 Thessalonians 3:12-13
Best,
- Kyle